i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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