i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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