I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
