I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
