i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
