I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
