My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
