Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
