im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
