I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
