Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
