could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he thought i was a dude.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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