so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
