Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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