In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
