It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
