I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
