Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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