i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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