Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Randomize
