He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
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