You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
