Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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