Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
