I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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