is your mom at the bar?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
