yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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