He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
