i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
