i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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