my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
