No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
