6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
