Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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