the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
