If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
