i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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