It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
