You're a womanizer and a bitch.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I will be naked everywhere
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
