Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
