Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
