i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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