remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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