My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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