He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize