you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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