Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I understand Curling. That high.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
