why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
