Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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