dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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