So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She needs sedatives and a leash
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
