I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
