I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
