So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
