3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
