She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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